#10: Brain Drain

So I was walking down the street, past the convention center today, where Intel was having a press release partnered with Lenovo, when some random fucker leaving the place came out of nowhere and hurled a pink Intel-branded stress ball in the shape of a brain right at me.

Ow!  What the fuck you nerd?!?!!!

…I’m calling animal control on these fuckers.

-Johnny Deez Nutz

#9: This Blog

is done.  No more.  Johnny Deez Nutz has requested that this blog be shut down…

So I leave you with a video, goodbye wordpress, goodbye unappreciation post.  Goodbye to the people that read this blog.

#8: Stupid White Kids

Make sure to check the Youtube comments (click on the video).

#7: People Not Reading My Blog

People, I made this blog to make you laugh.  Are you laughing?  Is anyone reading?  Is it just me?  Has this become a journal?  I don’t know what to think.  I thought this blog thing would be a good idea.  I thought that maybe someday somehow someway I could get a book deal out of this.  Maybe I’m late.  Maybe there are a lot of other funnier blogs out there.  Maybe no one knows about this blog.  Maybe you, the one person reading it, haven’t told your friend(s) yet.  Maybe you think it’s too funny and you don’t want to tell anyone and keep it to yourself.  Maybe you want to steal the ideas and act like you came up with them when you’re in the carpool, on the subway, at Subway, or at your corporate securities high-level management meeting’s water cooler break.

Well reader(s), I am broken.  I need some time to reflect.  I need to do a cost/benefit analysis and see whether or not this is worth aggravating my tennis elbow for.  I’m going to go now.  I’m not going to punch my pillow.

#6: Netflix’s “Very Long Wait”

Netflix sucks.  Well, right now it does.  The first 5 movies of my queue are all in the dreaded “very long wait” status.  Thank you golden statue man, you did not help me.  And I had these highly acclaimed movies in my queue before you and before the “Academy” selected or nominated them.  I should get some kind of first dibs on this.  I called shotgun.  Damn you Netflix.

I was enraged bored enough that I called up Netflix.  And what did the guy on the phone tell me? 

Netflix rep: There’s no need to get frustrated.

Me: OK how do you suggest I go about seeing the 5 movies that say “very long wait.”

Netflix rep: Well, uh, just do what I do.  And remember, I’m not speaking as a Netflix employee when I say this.  Put them at the bottom of your queue and you’ll see them in a few months.  That’s what I do.

Me: Wow, thank you for that awesome idea.

Well, now I know why the guy said he wasn’t speaking as a Netflix employee.  Because that was probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard a customer rep tell me.  Put it at the bottom and wait a few months.  Really?  The vending machine at the grocery store has the movie in stock.  And you have 3,203,302,302,583,029,424,590 movies?

#5: Generic Dream Dinner Lists

Making lists of people you would want to have dinner with is great.  It really helps you learn a lot about another person, their heroes, and their dining habits.  However, the problem with most of these dream dinner lists is that they are too generic.  People seem to have no imagination.  Here’s a comparison of a generic and an imaginative dream dinner list.

5 people dead or alive limited to the 20th century

Generic dream dinner list

1. John F. Kennedy
2. F. Scott Fitzgerald
3. John Lennon
4. Michael Jordan
5. Jay-Z

Imaginative dream dinner list

1. Theodore Roosevelt
2. Jack Kerouac
3. Michelle Phillips
4. Dennis Rodman
5. Joe Budden

#4: Celebrity Bus Drivers

I really appreciate bus drivers.  They help me and other broke and carless environmentally friendly people get around.  Some of them, according to a recent advertisement, have logged more than 3 million miles throughout their career.  Since I hop on my morning bus at the route’s starting point, sometimes I find that the bus is idling with no bus driver in sight.  Then the driver shows up and starts walking towards the bus with his gangsta lean.  Sometimes he has a newspaper under his arm, sometimes a pair of aviator shades on even though it’s raining, and other times he’s smoking a black & mild.  But the funny thing is, these “certain bus drivers” are in fact ones that look like celebrities.  Cedric the Entertainer, Ludacris, and Nate Dogg.  I have yet to ask the drivers if they’re related to their seemingly Hollywood counterparts, but I fear that if I do, I might become a forced environmentalist since I will end up walking to my destination.  Thank you Al Gore.

#3: Waiting For Entourage

Entourage is the best show ever made and it has changed my life.  Forever.  Billy Walsh makes me laugh, E makes me cry, Vince makes me wish I was him, Drama is just drama, and Turtle makes me proud to be an ex-sneakerhead.  Entourage makes me walk down the street with a smile on my face.  Entourage is what I think about when someone sneezes on my head.  Some people count to 10, I sing the theme song of Entourage in my head.

But when is the next episode?  May?  Really?  That would be like 8 months or something between episdoes.  Yes, before anyone flips and tries to describe the thermodynamical structural processes of the show, I know HBO seasons are weird, but I need my Entourage.  It is my Vicodin and HBO is my dealer.

If you’ve never watched Entourage, you should.  It can change your life too.  Keep hearing that the book and movie “The Secret” can change your life?  That may be the case.  BUT in the last Entourage episode, Johnny Drama mentions “The Secret” to E.  So because of the commutative property, you don’t even have to watch “The Secret.”  Just watch Entourage on a TV near you.

#2: People Sneezing On You

It’s true, I have the Rhinovirus.  For a virus that looks like a snowflake, the Rhino has not been good to me lately.  Luckily, 18 Cold-Eeze lozenges, a couple of dozen Tylenols, Vitamic C lozenges, and gallons of water later, I’m feeling much better.

But the problem is I’m going back into the danger zone tomorrow.  I figured out how I got the Rhino, someone that sits next to me has had it for a while, and she knocked out the girl to her right, and then it was my turn.   Thanks.  But honestly, I can’t blame her.  But the person I can blame is the one who sneezed on my head.  I have a big head, true story.  But that doesn’t give anyone the right to think it’s a landing strip for their snot.  Seriously, put the snot where it belongs, not on my hair.  I would have told her if I wanted extra shine on my hair, but I didn’t.  So next time lady, keep your snot to yourself.

#1: Girls Who Think They’re Hot

You are not hot.  Not even close.  Your rating on “Hot or Not” is probably a 2.3, most probably because some female with bad vision thought you were a guy and gave you a 5.  Seriously.  I have nothing against people who are not ridiculously good looking, but girls who think they’re hot when they’re not is not cool.

The worst kind of girl who thinks she’s hot is the girl who has to announce to those nearby in inappropriate situations that her boyfriend did this or her boyfriend bought that.  Girl stop trippin you got a wild imagination.  We know “my boyfriend” is really code for “my brother” or “my dad” or even “my pimp.”  So say it like it is because I call it like I see it.

When you’re sitting next to this type of girl, she’ll usually cross her legs and point them in the direction away from you so her ass is in your face.  That is uncalled for.